For Better or Worse; Or Until I’m No Longer Happy?

On June fifteenth, my wife Lacy and I will celebrate our twenty first wedding anniversary. Twenty one years sounds like an eternity, but it seems like only yesterday when we were anxiously preparing to walk down the aisle together. I remember the nerves of that morning, and the way my heart felt as if it were going to pound out of my chest when she began to walk down the aisle towards me. I was nervous, excited, and a little bit panicked when I thought about all the people staring at us.

I have only one regret when I think back to the day that we were married. That I did not slow down and contemplate the vows that we spoke to one another. Honestly I was so nervous that reciting those vows was a blur. 

“For better or worse. For richer or poor. Until death do us part.”

These words are not just mantras. These words are weighty. Extremely weighty. Rarely do people take the time to consider the promises made to one another in the marriage ceremony. The proof of that claim are the sky rocketing divorce statistics that are increasing year by year at an alarming rate . 

For a great majority of married couples, when they repeat those sacred vows on their wedding day, they don’t really mean “for better or worse.” Rather, the new mentality is, “…until Im no longer happy.” And if husbands and wives have entered into a state of belief where happiness and feelings are the new standard of sustaining a marriage, then no union is safe anymore. Because happiness is a temporary feeling that can disappear as quickly as it comes. 

Those initial butterflies and warm fuzzy feelings that are so prevalent in the beginning stages of courtship are not enough to sustain a relationship for a lifetime. Like happiness, those feelings are temporal and can change in a moments notice. Whenever two sinners decide to devote their lives to one another, living together in close proximity, there will eventually be conflict. There will be trials. And there will be painful times of strife. To put it bluntly, the white picket fence marriage that is almost completely problem free, does not exist.

Far too often, I have witnessed husbands and wives break their marriage vows to one another due to ‘The Grass is Greener Syndrome.” This syndrome sets in like this; As the newness of the relationship begins to wear off, they start to notice glaring imperfections in their spouse. They begin to see areas where they may feel neglected in their marriage. And eventually, they may begin to look for fulfillment from someone other than their spouse. 

They look to someone that is not their spouse who may say the right things at that moment. Someone who makes promises of love, all the while exemplifying that they are perfectly fine with destroying a marriage built on those same promises. It is to buy into the delusion that “The Grass is greener on the other side.” But hear me when I say, the grass only looks greener…because you have not trampled it yet. The one constant in every relationship that you have, is you. The only reason one looks to greener grass is because you’ve not yet gotten close enough to the new field to see the weeds.

Our World Desperately Need a Gospel Centered View of Marriage

In every relationship, there will be imperfections and heartaches. But it is by the grace of God that he designed marriage to be imperfect. You read that correctly. An imperfect marriage is one of God’s greatest sanctifying tools. And when couples break their vows in marriage and see their commitment as being contingent upon their personal satisfaction, it is due to a misunderstanding of why God created marriage in the first place. Marriage is one of the most vibrant, beautiful pictures of the Gospel that we have in this world.

Consider this; God gave you a spouse that would at times be unlovable so that you would learn to love unconditionally. God gave you a spouse that would need forgiveness, so that you would learn how to forgive. God gave you a spouse that would require you to chose to love them, in spite of your feelings. And God did these things so that through marriage, you would become conformed to the image of Christ! 

We worship God for His unconditional love, but we place conditions on how we love others.

We worship God for His forgiveness, but we refuse to forgive.

We worship God for dying for our sins and promising to never leave us despite how we constantly sin against Him, but we are quick to break our promises as soon as we are left wanting.

You see, marriage is God’s tool to conform men and women into the very image of Christ. How can a person learn forgiveness if they never have to forgive? How can someone learn unconditional love if they are never put to the test? We easily forget that marriage is God’s way of His creation mirroring the love He has for His bride, the church.

A man once told me that he could not stay with his wife anymore. He said she was constantly letting him down, and he was no longer happy in their marriage. He said he didn’t “Feel” loving towards her anymore. I replied to this man by saying, “Aren’t you glad that Jesus doesn’t love you the way you love your wife?” I would be willing to bet that Jesus didn’t “Feel” like have nails driven through His hands and feet. He didn’t “Feel’ like having the skin ripped off of His back. Jesus did not have warm and fuzzies in His belly for His rebellious bride when He bore the full wrath of God for her countless sins against Him.

At any moment, Jesus could have called down a legion of angels to rescue Him from the torment of the cross. Jesus would have been completely justified if He would have condemned the whole human race. But because of His love for His bride, He gave His life for her transgressions. As He hung dying on the cross, Jesus prayed, “Father forgive them, for they know not what they do.” Jesus gave His life for a bride that was rebellious, adulterous, and at times wayward towards Him. But His covenant promise was not built upon how he felt from moment to moment. His love was rooted in His sovereign choice of His bride.

On the cross, Jesus exemplified that love is not a feeling nor is it based on externals. Love is a choice. The world’s definition of love is based on feelings. And love that is led by emotions is as secure as a house of cards in the wind. But Godly love is rooted in making a daily decision to honor the promise, the vows, that were spoken at the marriage ceremony. And those vows are a reflection of the eternal promise we have in Christ. Godly love says, “I’m not going anywhere, even in hard times.”

When feelings lead our choices, and when feelings begin to fade, so will the commitment. But when we choose to love our spouse regardless of the circumstance, our feelings will follow that choice. When the grass in your marriage is no longer green, it only means it’s time to water it. 

Marriage teaches us to love like Jesus. Marriage teaches us to love in a way that is uncommon to the world. The love of a Christian is selfless. It is sacrificial. And when husbands and wives show this kind of love to one another, they display to the world a picture of how Jesus Christ loves His bride. 

The vows that are spoken in marriage are a reflection of the eternal promises we have in Christ. In the Gospel, Jesus says to His bride, “I will never leave or forsake you” (Hebrews 13:5). Even though we constantly sin against Him, He will not abandon or cast aside us as His bride. He will not break His vows. Husbands and wives; this is how we were called to love one another. And when we do this, we stand united as a reflection of the Gospel to the world around us. If you truly want to be like Christ, love your spouse. For better or for worse. Regardless of condition. Always eager to forgive. Just as Christ has always forgiven you. And from this will grow a depth of love with and for your spouse that you may have never thought possible.

“Husbands, love your wives, as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her, that he might sanctify her, having cleansed her by the washing of water with the word, so that he might present the church to himself in splendor, without spot or wrinkle or any such thing, that she might be holy and without blemish. In the same way husbands should love their wives as their own bodies. He who loves his wife loves himself. For no one ever hated his own flesh, but nourishes and cherishes it, just as Christ does the church, because we are members of his body. “Therefore a man shall leave his father and mother and hold fast to his wife, and the two shall become one flesh.” This mystery is profound, and I am saying that it refers to Christ and the church.” Ephesian 5:25-32.